This week an old demon of mine came back. She looks a bit different now than some years ago. I used to know her as “self-hate” and we had some serious issues back than. Now she calls herself “guilt” but basically she’s still the same.
She keeps telling me all the things I should have achieved but haven’t.
All the things I should be doing right now.
All the ways in which I’ve been wasting my time.
She has claws of iron and digs them into my chest. She puts heavy weights on my shoulders so that my neck gets even more tense than it already is.
On Monday I found myself sitting in front of the mirror, sobbing and doing affirmations. I told myself through a constant stream of tears that I forgive myself, that I love myself no matter what, that I’m fine.
The upcoming exams surely don’t make this easier for me; I’m not as well prepared as I’d like to (as always, I should add) and it’s the perfect opportunity for beating myself up. Today I woke up and one of my first thoughts was that I just don’t look forward to anything today.
“But you have to study. You need to do this, you’re already behind. You’ll fail on Monday if you don’t get your ass up and study.” That’s what she says.
Today I had another insight:
I look at my goals as ways to redeem myself somehow.
“When I’ll finally have my degree… when I’ll finally run my business… when I’ll finally be financially independent… when I’ll finally be perfect… THEN I’ll relax. Then I’ll make up for all my shortcomings. Then I’ll be allowed to just enjoy and relax.”
I’m really surprised that this shit suddenly comes up again; this particular demon hasn’t bothered me (at least consciously) for a long time. And suddenly she hits me full-force.
Of course I have my toolbox, I have my Angels, I have prayer. And of course that doesn’t spare me from actually feeling all this, actually experiencing it.
I asked myself today: What if I never reached any of my goals and dreams – could I still love myself? Could I still enjoy life? And seriously, it was so hard to answer. I mean, if I never reached anything… I’d be pretty worthless, right? How should that even work?
That’s conditional love for you.
Then another thought came up, and I hold on to it because it gives me hope: I do believe that I am a child of God and that God loves me absolutely unconditionally. I don’t need to prove myself to God. God will keep loving me no matter what I do, no matter what I do.
When I focus on that thought alone, I feel some peace.
And I tell myself, if God loves me unconditionally, I could do that too.
So that’s were I am. Exam preparations, pangs of guilt, and prayer. I think the next thing I’ll try is feeding my demon – probably she means well, somehow. Maybe she has a message, maybe she carries a lesson.
I wish you peace.